“On Friendship”
When we moved to North Carolina four years ago I never expected to encounter the folks that we did. The first was Dawn’s friend. Paula befriended our daughter years earlier. She loved Dawn - something that was not hard to do, for Dawn was a loving spirit - generous, giving, open-handed, open-hearted. She made many new friends in a short time after relocating from California. As I see where we are now in our lives, my husband and I have begun to do the same thing. Dawn had predicted that we would.
Around the corner from our home lives a couple whom we met at a pond nearby. The husband was doing something in the water, and being me, I asked what he was doing. He was taking pictures because he was in a photography club of sorts. They have become new friends of ours. The wife is also a writer. Because I am a writer, I did something most people won’t do. When I read her book, I posted a review for her on Amazon. I did not try to write a dissertation about it. That was not necessary. I only stated the obvious. Her book was creative, captivating, and original. I said that. And wrote what made it so. She showed her appreciation by buying three of my books. That’s how writers should support each other.
When Dawn was hospitalized the first time, I met a doctor whose mother was on Dawn’s floor. We talked. We met up months later. And Dwella has become a friend. Then there’s the couple next door. They don’t look like me. They don’t have children in the home. They travel more than we do. But they have been more neighborly than anyone I have ever lived close to. They are only renting. I hope they don’t plan to move too soon.
Before we left Virginia, we had a million things to do to our home. I thought it looked great. The VA appraiser thought otherwise. He made a list several pages long identifying what needed fixing. Fortunately, the woman who wanted to buy it selected five things that SHE wanted repaired, not the 50 the VA appraiser had identified. Because we gave her what she asked for, she bought our house. And ten days after her settlement, we moved into our new home in North Carolina. Genevieve, a longtime VA friend, who helped us to move, later became an avid bookseller of Fragments of a Woman’s Life - a memoir, that I wrote in 2000. Who knew that that particular blessing was in store for us?
North Carolina is a strange place. Fortunately mine is not the North Carolina my parents lived in decades ago, which was closer to the Eastern shore. Fortunately, it is not as problem-ridden as the New York I grew up in, nor the New York we visited this past year. Here, in N.C. the population is diverse and appears to be well off. That makes for a relative amount of safety.
When I wrote my memoir, Fragments of a Woman’s Life (2000), I included an essay on what my teens were like as I grew up in Jamaica - Queens. Friendship was not easy to come by back then. There was too much insecurity, too much envy, too much competition over all the wrong things. I should have written about my schools in that memoir. I liked only one of them - my exemplary high school - The High School of Music and Art, which was run like a private school. It was the most creative environment I have ever experienced - so much so that college paled in comparison. I did not like my college. And there were no real lasting friendships from college. There were a couple from high school. My best girlfriend from high school later became a diplomat with the State Department. I saw Carleene on TV the summer that Haiti experienced a violent earthquake and aid poured into Haiti from all around the world. But Haiti was not equipped to absorb it at the time. As Carleene said on the news, “Getting aid into Haiti is like trying to get an elephant through a straw.” Donald and I sent aid any way. Years later, Carleene and her husband, along with my daughter and I, met up for lunch in Alexandria, VA, when she was in town. And before that, Donald and I encountered Carleene and her husband at the airport in Denver. That was serendipitous to say the least! I had not seen her for years before that incident.
The Virginia we left behind still stands. It is more crowded, and of my neighbors left there, two stand out. One of them is Roxie, who is a great friend and a blessing to know. Another friend lives around the corner from my former home. Adelaide still travels extensively. And I sometimes wonder if we will ever travel together again. She and I took a trip together once - a “staycation” aboard a brand new cruise ship. For her it was an agent’s trip as she is a travel agent. For me it was my first cruise experience. The ship never left the port of Baltimore.
I read a book once that made me think about old friends. It was one of Terry MacMillan’s best sellers, and as usual, she did not disappoint. In it a woman spent months looking up her “exes.” Eventually, the woman married one of them. It made me wonder if I should spend time looking up “lost” friends? I wonder where they are. One I know passed away during the Clinton Administration. I don’t recall the year, only the circumstances. The US Embassy in Kenya was bombed and he and his son were sadly both lost in the explosion. Julian had been my friend since high school. I recall when he brought his family to meet mine ears later, when we were both in our 40s. We had stayed in touch. He had touched the lives of hundreds.
It is easy for me to keep a friend. I recall having my first “book” party. I had given the guests a written “quiz” of sorts as an ice-breaker. It was a list of open-ended questions that should have been titled “How do you know Sandra?” I am sure one of the questions would then have read, “My son is dating her daughter.” The answer to that would have been the name of a woman which I don’t recall. I remember only her son’s name. I can only faintly see her face. But I remember her energy. She was Nigerian and she was very warm. Very likable. Very funny. That’s a quality I admire in a friend. They must be funny, or think that I am. And smart. No pomposity. No ego. Surprises always welcome! That’s what my favorite friends are like today.